anxiety attack

in the dictionary anxiety attack says see panic attack thus...

panic attack: (n). an intense attack of anxiety characterized by feelings
of impending doom and trembling, sweating, pounding
heart and other physical symptoms.
(n). the sudden onset of intense anxiety, characterized by
feelings of intense fear and apprehension and
accompanied by palpitations, shortness of breath,
sweating, and trembling.

i have never experienced a anxiety attack / panic attack til this morning. it was intense, and scary....and leaves you wondering why in the world it happened. i've been having some pretty intense stuff happening at work that, i think, finally came to head and broke me. i was a mess. for those of you that know me...well, you know that i am pretty 'strong' person- i tend to come off very un-emotional, - i act pretty tough most of the time, but really i have some pretty intense and deep emotion that most peeps dont know is there. i am good at hiding it. but- this week has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me and today...well it got the best of me. i dont need to get into the details of what caused it, but i will tell you that i was very thankful that my mom just happened to be in the cities today picking up her new washer and drier. so- as i left work barely able to breathe, mom met me at home and we spent the next hour or so trying to calm me down. i will say that the definition of panic attack is right on...i was sweaty, my heart felt like it was going to pop out of my chest, my whole body was trembling and i had such shortness of breath that my mouth and throat got really dry; plus tears- a huge amount of tears. once i got a grip- i returned to school to finish up my grades and than went shopping with mom. our intentions was to keep my mind off the attack and off work. which worked for the most part. i did some Christmas shopping, which is very unusually for me cuz it's not even December, but it was good. i got dads gift, Carey (my sister in law), my niece and one of my nephews done. anyways. for those of you that experienced panic attacks before, goodness....totally understand how you feel.
no worries, for those of you that worry. i am fine. i will survive. work is work and nothing more than that. I believe that God is really trying to teach me something through this and i am really willing to figure it out and learn. so...i am good. i did not write this blog to get sympathy from you, i just wanted to share what my day was like. intense is a great word to sum it up!!!!

here comes the snow-at least thats what the news says. happy shoveling.

THANKSGIVING....

I totally forgot to take any pics of my thanksgiving spent north with the family. so...words, that's all I've got this time.

Thursday i woke up around 6:30, packed up some stuff, cleaned the house ( i hate leaving for a couple of days with the house messy), showered up, and got in the car and drove north to Mora to hang with the family for thanksgiving. of course, i made a pit stop at caribou for a large hoho mocha...yum!!!!! That afternoon my younger bro (buzz) and his family came over for thanksgiving dinner. we had- turkey, masked potatoes, sweet potatoes, green beans, asparagus, stuffing, gravy (which i cant stand), buns and of course pie for dessert. good eats...always good eats. that afternoon we just hung out for a couple of hours watched some football, played the 'would you rather' game, caught up on life and i got beat up on by my 2 nephews. that night i chilled out bye the TV...and i think i fell asleep on the couch by 10:00.

Friday i got both my nephews for the whole day while Buzz and Jess went out shopping...black Friday, why would anyone do that to themselves?...no way- to stressful! so me and the kids got up extra early to get into the truck with my dad. the boys love riding in the truck- me not so much. it's boring. plus - it was 5:30 in the morning....i am on vacation and still getting up way before the sun. the boys fell asleep in the sleeper, so it was nice to just chat with dad some. he loves driving...and i am glad he loves his job. he just bought out a trucking company in Mora and now co-owns the business with my older brother Chris. they both seem excited to take on the business from Bob. that afternoon Austin (the older of my nephews) took off to go play at his cousins house, and Tyler and i laid down for a long nap- 3 1/2 hours long. it was heavenly. that night we went into town to watch Santa make his way through down town....super boring, but the kids loved it. than i hung out with some friends that night. and than fell asleep to a roaring fire!

Saturday. i finally got to sleep in. til 9:00. packed up my stuff, got into my car and drove to St. Cloud to meet up with some of my best friends from high school. Andrea Sigstad and Katie Kramschuster. Vollie Moye was suppose to show up but her two kids had the flue so she was a no show. anyways- we spent the afternoon chatting and laughing and playing with Andrea's little boy John. I love seeing these ladies. I love that we have been friends for so long. I love that i have no doubt our friendship will carry throughout our lives. That night i got home and didn't feel so good. had a low grade fever so laid on the couch all night. i was lazy.

Sunday- went to church....love my church so much. Pastor Dave has been preaching on the Sermon on the Mount and today he focused in on the 4th one; Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they will be filled with righteousness. the gist of it was... to be truly satisfied you need to be constantly hungry for God and for his righteousness. i was highly challenged by what he said and am sure i will have to listen to the message again to take it all in. This afternoon i took Jen and Sara (best friends of mine) through a workout i do with Fawn (my trainer). They seemed tired, and i hope it was a good workout for them. sometimes i think the down play how in shape they are just to make me feel good- but...either way it was fun to take them through a program. good times. now, it's 6:00 on Sunday and i have to sit down and do some grad school work. reading...i love to read.

so in a nut shell that was my thanksgiving. good stuff. so thankful for life. for friends, health, shelter, a good job, family, cute nephews and a niece, a solid church, a awesome small group, my bed warmer, memories, down time, basketball, and many other things......list could go on.

Daily Verse and Thought

I have this little Grace for the Moment bible verse and thought calendar sitting on my desk at work and decided today i needed to share it.

Just Like Jesus!

He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him. Hebrews 11:6

Diligently- what a great word. Be diligent in your search. Be hungry in your quest, relentless in you pilgrimage...Step away from the puny pursuits of possessions and positions, and seek your King. Don't be satisfied with angles. Don't be content with stars in the sky. Seek him out as the shepherds did. Long for him as Simon did. Worship him as the wise man did. Do as John and Andrew did; ask for his address. Do as Matthew: invite Jesus into your house. Imitate Zacchaeus. Risk whatever it takes to see Christ.

I just thought this was good. I totally need to diligently seek Christ more. I spend way to much time doing the pursuit of life with possessions and positions in mind and not enough just seeking Him. I don't worship enough and I sure don't risk it all for the sake of Christ. I am motivated. I wish i could drop the 41 9th graders I need to teach in 2 minutes and just pick up my bible and read. I feel the urge, and that urge unfortunately has been missing from my life for awhile now. Huh, Gods timing in bringing about the urge sure is funny! Be Diligent my friends!!!!!

inquiring minds wanna know.

i have a consistent jojo's journey's blog reader out there who has been inquiring about my 'personal life'. he has been asking lots of fun questions about my past dating experiences, who i have crush(es) on and what i look for in a guy. so, i thought i'd divulge some information.

what i look for in a guy? huh, that's a tough one. lots of people (mostly my mom) have told me that they think i am to picky and that's why i am single....and have been for multiple years. but, i think it's that i simply have high standards. is that wrong?

so...first and for most i'd really like the man i date and or marry to be athletic. to love the outdoors. to love gyms. and clubs. to love to sweat. i love to be out of breath and to strain my muscles. andy roddick is a stud pro tennis player who highly enjoys a good work out. i read the other week that he decided to skip some media shoots in London and leave early to get back to the states to start training for his next tournament, and cuz of it he got fined $20,000. now that's dedication. some of my favorite sports to play are basketball, sand volleyball, and tennis (of course,although i suck at it). i also have taken up tri-athlons as a past time. i love to swim. i love to get on my bike and ride miles upon miles. i love to compete- mostly against myself, but against others too. so- i guess i'd highly enjoy Mr. Right to be athletic, or at least like to work out.

Than there is Josh Duhmal. oh goodness....Josh is old school. Born and raised in North Dakota- a old fashion type. ok, maybe he isn't anymore, but at least he has a solid foundation and up bringing. Not that i NEED it, but i think it'd be really cool for the dude i date someday to have a similar background. i cant speak for Josh, but my background consisted of meals together at the table with my family, doing chores and not getting paid, taking turns using the bathroom, being punished old school....spanked in other words- but honestly, i think that only happened once for me. i was a really good kid! playing...lots and lots of playing. snowmobiling, 4-wheeling, motorcycling, tackle football, making up games, biking, going to the lake, hunting, going to church on Sunday and youth group on Wednesday, home made food on a regular basis (none of this stuff out of box), rollerskating, sledding, and laughter- lots of it! So- it'd be really nice to have an old fashion sort of guy. one who opens the car door for a lady and pays for her meal, and maybe even brings her flower oh so often. hummm, that'd be nice huh.

intelligent....of course the man i plan to marry has to be able to carry on a intellectual conversation. One who makes sense when he talks...and has intriguing thoughts and ideas to talk about. who stimulates my thoughts and challenges me. of course, Michael Vartan is smart...he played Vaugh in Alais- a double agent who worked for the CIA...he has to be smart, right? well....regardless, he looks smart. (and hot). i NEED someone who also thinks and believes similar to me. which brings me to a very important piece of what i need in a man. I need him to be a lover of God. one who believes that He (Jesus) died for our sins, and rose again....and that we are called to live our life to glorify HIM. to try and be like HIM. the man i marry must be a Christian. i know that sounds like a tough standard- but...i am unwilling to break the bound i have with the lover of my soul just to have a relationship with a someone here on earth. this is an area that i am unwilling to falter in. smart...he needs to be smart. JESUS SMART.

tall...he has to be taller than me. i don't care if it is a millimeter taller than me or a whole foot taller...he has to be taller. i am not really sure why i am so hung up on this issue, but....i am. i am a tall lady, thanks to my dad. i height in at a solid 6'0. most days i hate being that tall. it's so hard to find dates...and more important than that- jeans, i can never find jeans that are long enough. I am not really sure how tall Matthew Fox is, but my guess is 6'3. that'd be nice. i also like someone who can deliver a solid hug. again, rugged and tough- Matthew has to be able to deliver the perfect hug. being tough is also a trait i am into. not mean tough- just rugged tough. 5'0clock shadows, cut off t-shirts, shortly shaved hair, and eyes...he has to have good eyes.

i am not sure if this is a trait that Matt carries, but something i look for in a guy is for him to be motivated, goal orientated and passionate about what he does and is called to do. who goes after his dreams and figures out a way to achieve them. is constantly working hard at making those dreams come true. that sort of passions is highly attractive.
ok....lastly. of course you have to be highly attracted to the person you date and or may marry someday. This may sound super shallow, but- Paul Walker is seriously one of the hottest men alive. seriously....

i really hope that who ever i date and or marry is highly attracted to me, and i to him. I know the more you get to know someone the more attractive they become i also know that it's not just all about the physical characteristics. but hey, if he looks anything like Paul - i am in....all in!!!

so. there ya have it. inquiring minds wanted to know! well, its these fine five fellows. please note that these are just a few of things i look for, and most of them are semi-shallow. i'd give up most any of the above things (except for the belief in God thing) for a man that truly is for me, in love with me, and makes me happy. I'd give up looks and abs and athleticism any day for a man that seeks after me. I'd hand over the height and the conversation for a man that see the true me and likes what he sees and than madly falls in love with me....and finds me the hottest chic alive!

seriously....HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

life and death

it's hell to get a phone call that you know is going to be bad news. last Saturday i got a horrible call from one of the counselors at my school and she deliver the news that one of my co-workers died in a fishing accident. He taught 7th-9th grade humanities (social studies) and coached hockey. I didn't know Marty to well. He lived on the 2nd floor at school and i in the girls locker room so our contact with each other was very small. But... getting news like that is still tough to take. I find myself processing many different sort of emotions. Of course, my first thought goes out to his family and close friends. i cant imagine losing someone close to me at such a young age (he was 35). there a couple good friends of mine at school that are struggling so i find myself dispensing as much energy towards them as i can. I also have spent a lot of time praying...usually prayer for me is a way to re-energize myself and to spend time with God; but this week prayer has been tough for me. it seeps my energy! and sometimes i find myself not sure how to pray. Nate Klatt, who was also involved in the accident and worked at NVJH (my school) for the first two years i was there...he and i become good friends, we often checked in with each other and had lots of inside jokes with each other; he is struggling alot. anyways- a ton of my thoughts have been with him and how he is dealing with the accident. the memorial service (Thursday) was very well done, but hard. hard to watch people suffer and mourn. i honestly didn't think this week was going to be as hard as it was...but i am exhausted.
the timing of this event is crazy for me. my pastor the past 2 weeks has been talking about the sermon on the mount and specifically has been focusing on the verse "blessed are those that mourn, for they will find comfort." so after being challenged in the area of what mourning looks like and than how Godly comfort looks likes...well; i guess i just didn't expect to have to put it into practice so quick like.
one thing i have struggled with alot the past couple days is....well, this may make me look silly....but here it goes. plus it is easy to unload how i feel onto a computer that cant respond. anyways- i have given out a lot of big and long warm hugs to people that have so needed them and find myself at the end of the day yearning to get one in return. to be completely surrounded by someone elses body- a place where i can just sink in and rest my head on their chest. a big man hug!!!!! one that lasts a long time and with out any words said speaks straight to your heart. my friend Jen and Jill extended hugs to me last night, but it's different when you feel like you engulf them instead of the other way around. anyways- i just have been yearning for a big man bear hug the past couple of days. is that bad? this is a time when having a special someone around would be very comforting. but....i am not complaining. i have life and i have a lot of love in it as well....so i will NOT complain! it's just something i have been feeling. thanks for listening.