ever just have one of those weeks that NOTHING seems to go the way you want it, or plan it? my past week was similar to that. I don't mean this blog to be an 'attention-getter' or a self pity party sort of blog......just hope to work out some of my issues by writing. I've journal
alot this week and am not sure i completely understand my current thought process - so bare with me.
last Monday i started to come down with what i thought was the 'common' cold. started to feel stuffy and a little achy; nothing some black berry brandy wouldn't cure. or so i thought. woke up Tuesday feeling horrible, but decided i could convince myself that i wasn't that sick and that i could go to work. work was insane. i had the worst headache and at mid-point in my day had a low grade fever. no big deal- so i popped a couple pills and continued my day with basketball practice. by Tuesday night i knew i was sick- (the kind of sick that black berry brandy wasn't going to cure). i woke up early Wednesday morning with a 105 temp, and was dieing- or thought so at least. took more pills, put a cold towel on my head and fell back asleep. woke up to my alarm and decided i was a little to sick to go to work, so called in. but, i had to go to work anyways to prepare a lesson plan for the sub. when i left work it took everything in me to not go to the emergency room. fever was back full
fledge and i couldn't see out of my right eye.
cuz i am
Venhuizen i decided the doctor wasn't necessary...i took more pills and went home to sleep it off. later that afternoon i felt better; so left for ball. we had a scrimmage in St. Olaf. we took vans. i felt
ok...and the night actually went
ok. i couldn't stand without getting super dizzy, but otherwise, things were fine. Thursday, i called in sick again. still was having some vision issues with my right eye. slept it out. got a call that afternoon from a friend that i haven't talked to in a long while that i guess was a little angry at me- so had to work that out. it was completely out of the blue and totally an attack on my heart, my attitude and my self-worth. Thursday night i had grad class and since my prof takes points off our grade if we miss class...i decided to go. that night i found out i got a B+ in my last class...so my current 4.0 went down the drain. i was upset. my friend Scott told me i looked like i was stoned...not something a girl likes to be told. and i found out that i have to re-due an assignment that i guess i did wrong. see - when it rains it often pours. Friday i went back to work to find out that there was an intruder in one of my classes the day before, so admin was mad at me for not leaving better instruction for my sub and why my sub didn't have a current class list. so had to work through some 'am i really a good teacher???' issues!!!! Friday night got here and i just couldn't shake this 'i am a loser' feeling. i have no idea where it came from, but it came fast and it came hard. I've spent many Friday evening sitting at home alone- so i didn't think much of this one, but for some reason i was having a major issue with it. i expended many thoughts on why I'm STILL single, why i don't have peeps to hang with, why i was struggling with my self-esteem, and why i feel like a loser! it was a tough night. emotionally draining if you will. Saturday i woke up with a re-newed attitude (not sure where it came from, but was thankful i had it regardless)....or so i thought. was excited to go to weight watchers and weight in. i thought for sure that I'd lose weight and that would make me feel a little better about myself. but....the rain decided to come regardless. i gained 1.4
pds. not sure how when i hardly eat anything this week. but i also didn't work out- so am guessing my body just was burning up calories like it has been use to. gaining weight is not what this girl needed to deal with. i wanted so bad to reach my 25 pound weight lose goal- but am currently 1.8
pds away. in the grand scheme of life i realize that 1.8 p
ds is not a big deal, and i have currently recovered from feeling like a loser in that area, but it was yet another thing that required a battle with my thoughts. That morning i decided i needed a little something 'happy'- so i went shopping. i told myself that i wasn't going to buy new jeans until i lost 30
pds, but couldn't help it. i found 2 pairs of dress pants, 3 sweaters, a funky shirt, some socks (i love new socks) at
JCpenny - and all for only $75 bucks. so that was fun! but, that afternoon i went to the bank and realized i forgot to deposit my check from a week or so ago, so was over drafted and got stuck with a $30 transfer fee. NICE! also decided i needed to try to get a workout in, so went to the club. i wasn't planning on doing anything major
cuz i am still very stuffy and clogged...but thought i needed some exercise. got on the treadmill and started to walk and some random dude came up to me and started up a big old lecture about how i need to take more vitamins and drink protein shakes (he must have heard me coughing)...and that would keep the 'colds' away. he was annoying and totally made me feel like i don't know how to take care of my own health. again- when it rains, it pours! Saturday night was the only highlight of my week. our opening game. we played
Hamline. i was excited to be back on the bench coaching after a year off....and was excited for the girls. we played really well, and i had a blast- but we lost. today (Sunday) was another struggle. church was good. but just had this overwhelming sense that i wasn't good enough, especially for the friends that i sat with. not
cuz of what the pastor talked about- but
cuz my week. talked with my friend Keith very briefly about it and almost started to cry. he talked me down a little and made me feel a bit better, but still feel a little like a loser! so here i sit this afternoon watching the
viks and wondering at why i feel the way i do. and to add to the madness, i have an extra free
mens gophers basketball ticket and cant find one single person that wants to go. am i that much of a loser that peeps don't want a free ticket to a gophers game? anyway-it's a battle that i am trying to figure out. but like always - i am sure the rain will soon stop, the sun will come out and life will go on. it's just a part of the journey, right?
David 
