life and death

it's hell to get a phone call that you know is going to be bad news. last Saturday i got a horrible call from one of the counselors at my school and she deliver the news that one of my co-workers died in a fishing accident. He taught 7th-9th grade humanities (social studies) and coached hockey. I didn't know Marty to well. He lived on the 2nd floor at school and i in the girls locker room so our contact with each other was very small. But... getting news like that is still tough to take. I find myself processing many different sort of emotions. Of course, my first thought goes out to his family and close friends. i cant imagine losing someone close to me at such a young age (he was 35). there a couple good friends of mine at school that are struggling so i find myself dispensing as much energy towards them as i can. I also have spent a lot of time praying...usually prayer for me is a way to re-energize myself and to spend time with God; but this week prayer has been tough for me. it seeps my energy! and sometimes i find myself not sure how to pray. Nate Klatt, who was also involved in the accident and worked at NVJH (my school) for the first two years i was there...he and i become good friends, we often checked in with each other and had lots of inside jokes with each other; he is struggling alot. anyways- a ton of my thoughts have been with him and how he is dealing with the accident. the memorial service (Thursday) was very well done, but hard. hard to watch people suffer and mourn. i honestly didn't think this week was going to be as hard as it was...but i am exhausted.
the timing of this event is crazy for me. my pastor the past 2 weeks has been talking about the sermon on the mount and specifically has been focusing on the verse "blessed are those that mourn, for they will find comfort." so after being challenged in the area of what mourning looks like and than how Godly comfort looks likes...well; i guess i just didn't expect to have to put it into practice so quick like.
one thing i have struggled with alot the past couple days is....well, this may make me look silly....but here it goes. plus it is easy to unload how i feel onto a computer that cant respond. anyways- i have given out a lot of big and long warm hugs to people that have so needed them and find myself at the end of the day yearning to get one in return. to be completely surrounded by someone elses body- a place where i can just sink in and rest my head on their chest. a big man hug!!!!! one that lasts a long time and with out any words said speaks straight to your heart. my friend Jen and Jill extended hugs to me last night, but it's different when you feel like you engulf them instead of the other way around. anyways- i just have been yearning for a big man bear hug the past couple of days. is that bad? this is a time when having a special someone around would be very comforting. but....i am not complaining. i have life and i have a lot of love in it as well....so i will NOT complain! it's just something i have been feeling. thanks for listening.