TEARS

tears don't often find my eyes, but when they do they are often intense tears. for those of you that don't know me, i don't cry very often. I've been told by people that know me well that i am 'too tough' and that i should be more willing to cry. it's not that i don't cry cuz i don't have feelings, trust me- i do. tears just don't make there way out very often. i remember my best friend Jen (growing up) freaking out when i hurt my knee playing high school basketball. I was a junior, she was senior and that was the first time she ever witnessed me cry...she thought i was dying. anyways.
this past week I've cried 3 times, which is not normal. but as i look back at my week - i think my tears were a very good thing. Tuesday i biffed it hard down my stairs, and cried cuz it hurt, and also i think i cried cuz it was sort of funny. i did something to my knee (the one i had re-constructive surgery on) while running the day before. as i was getting ready for work on Tuesday morning i realized that it hurt, but it wasn't a big deal; my knee aches after a hard run most of the time...this i thought was no different. as i went to go down the stairs i put all my weight on my knee it gave out and i biffed it. yeah- it sounds bad...and it made a horrible noise. i had a basket full of laundry in my hands so cloths went flying. i landed on my butt (good source of padding) and just sort of slide all the way down. no major issues came from the fall- except for my knee. it still kills. i have a hard time putting all my body weight on it. tears came that morning cuz of my fall...and cuz it was funny. I cried on Wednesday when i attended a funeral. mostly cuz funerals are sad, but also cuz we sang 2 hymns that were my grandmas favorite...and i miss her! funerals are never easy. but the tears that came in my car on the way home were healing tears...i think. I've had a lot of bottled up emotions concerning a friend and i think they finally made there way out during my drive home; and i think that was a very good thing. than came Friday...yikes! i never ever let my students get the best of me. ever!!!! i remember seeing a teacher in high school cry in front of us and i thought she was a weird-o and was weak...so I've made a pack with myself that I'd never let me students see me cry. but Friday my 7th hour 'hellion's' got the best of me. I've struggled with these 38 students since the beginning of the TRI (beginning of Dec). they are nothing less than horrible. of course, there are about 10 student that do all of the 'helling' (is that a word?) and it broke me. i tossed my book in the air, yelled that i was done teaching...made my way to the phone, called the principal, sat at my desk and cried - right in front of them. the principal got there and was astonished that i was crying, and told me to leave the room. i did. there was another staff member waiting for me in the hallway. she hugged me and reminded me to breath. it sucked. I've seriously never in my life been so at a lose at how to get these students attention, and keep it. it's insane the things they do. it's insane the lack of respect they have. it's scary to hear the things they have to say to me, and to watch their attitudes. i cried; hard! i think i also cried cuz it's not fair to the 20 kids that are in that class that day after day don't get to learn cuz of the 10 that cause havoc. not sure what Monday is going to bring but if you are the praying sort...please pray for me and my 7th hour crew. we are in class from 12:26-1:15. the good that came from my tears was that my principal now understands just how much of a struggle this class is and she has offered her support...so hopefully between her and i, we will find a way to remove so much of the hell i see and replace it with a little heaven! if that makes sense!!!!
tears....they don't often find my eyes, but when they do they are intense. it's been an tense week!